Custom Search

Friday, January 20, 2012

My misadventure in girlcotting Malwart

Continuing from my last post, I had determined that I was going to 'girlcott' Malwart. Most of you call it Wal-Mart, but I must be unique in going against the grain.

 My temporary roommate said he was taking me out to eat. That was fine and dandy. I wolfed so much Asian cuisine down in such a small amount of time it must have looked like I was training for the munchie olympics. My fortune was something to the effect of "Bold moves allow for unseen power", whatever that must mean.

 Little did I know that our next stop was the dreaded Mal-Wart. I actually went inside, not realizing that to girlcott, I had stated that I would not pass through the gates. They have doors, not gates, so I get by on that one with a technicality.

 I was slowly following my roomie, detesting the thought of how many products I was passing that were made by someone suffering in very bad conditions in a country that couldn't care less about me or my family.

 "I'm feeling ill", I said to my roommate.

 "What's wrong with you?", he asked.

 "I'm coming down with Wal-Mart zombification. I fear the infection will spread soon."

 "You're crazy." was his reply.

 I wanted to take everyone in that store and shake their souls by giving them visions of what this company is really doing to America. I got so aware of the need to awaken the sheep who walked the isles that I told my friend that I was going to go bite some of them to get the infection to spread. I growled after I made that statement while making eye contact with a lost female soul on the make-up isle. She was scared. I just passed like it had never happenned.

 After that, I woke up to the realization that it is very difficult to girlcott a business from inside. So I went outside to silently protest the insidious company. I leaned back on the truck that dropped me off there, struck my best James Dean pose and tried to look as cool as one could in a parking lot of a huge store.

 My mind wandered from what was with all of the single ladies scouting for a new man to the 3 thug-looking youths that kept hitching their pants up. Why were the women using this place to find a mate? Were they all looking for a cheap date, or was it more of looking toward some semblance of familiar love? I have no clue, and had no interest in being the apple of their eyes. To the three thugs, I was thinking of how easy it would have been to best them in an impromtu game of depants and fisticuffs. I'm usually a nonviolent person, but to see those thugs and see how hardcore they thought they were, I wished to see someone take them out and watch their facades just fade away.

 I caught myself before I got too negative. To change the mood to a lighter one, I pressed out a bit of audible flatulence when a well dressed couple passed me. I heard a scoff and laughed so hard I did it again. Fart humour always beats out violence in my world.

 Not one person ended up joining me in my girlcott. I held no sign, chanted no mantra, and made no attempt to sway any of the sheep into cutting off Mal-Warts grip on their hard earned cash.

 In the future, I'll continue to girlcott places like Mal-Wart, but I may be hitting on the single ladies and punching out belt-less thugs in the parking lot.

23 comments:

  1. Yah go Mike Tyson on those belt-less thugs! I dislike those people :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Biting their ears doesn't sound appealing, but an uppercut to the jaw would also be a great Tyson move to use!

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. I admit to have ordered from Mal-Wart dot kom at one point.

      Delete
  3. It is quite easy to best the foolish people outside with no belts on. You just depants them like you said and then proceed to the fisticuffs. With their trousers round their ankles (a sensation that would be quite new to them) they would not stand a chance. Your boycott really has not got off to a very successful start.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But it was successful. I bought nothing, although my friend had purchased over $400 worth of goods within a half-hour.

      Delete
    2. Its possible to spend that much at Malwart?

      Delete
    3. Unfortunately it is. I think his is an addiction that is shared by most of their patrons. They get Malwart rich, as I like to say.

      Delete
  4. fart all you want but keep away from the thugs.
    you can watch them when someone takes them out :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to watch that. No risk of getting stabbed or shot(although they'd have to have a shoulder holster, due to their lack of belts).

      Delete
  5. hahaha funny read. I would agree with walmart zombification. I used to shop at walmart once in a while now I avoid it totally. It looks more like thriftstore anyway nowadays.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I love thrift stores. Well, ones that don't smell of mothballs and vomit.

      Delete
  6. I don't like to go to WalMart. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall count you as a fellow girlcotter, then.

      Delete
  7. Although I think "mal-wart" is the cheapest place to shop, i try to avoid it as well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know how hard it can be to avoid them. I think they even have them in the boonies of every state. If you have a post office, you've got a Mal-Wart.

      Delete
  8. Muwah ha ha 100th follower! do I get a prize?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can devise something. It may just be including your moniker and link in my next post, or if my lotto ticket pans out, an all expense paid trip for 2 to Bangor, Maine.

      Delete
  9. Bwabwabwa, lookin' badssed outside of a Walmart?

    Did you notice that Walmart bags smell like poverty and crushed dreams? I'm not even jokin', yo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, I once put one over my face and inhaled deeply only to succumb to a week long baw-fest.

      Delete
  10. I appreciate the word play at work in this post.

    ReplyDelete