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Friday, April 6, 2012

Befriending, Betrayals, and Dreams of Flying

 Hey, everybody! I've missed you. I hope April is treating you well. Most Aprils are good to me, but there is the occasional frenemy out of this month. With that in mind, I'll give you this post that has been sitting on my hard drive, waiting for a read or two.

 I make friends very easily.I'm sure that some of it is attributed with my view that we are all made of the same star material. Another part is that I am pretty darn charismatic. I can make people suprise smile. Those are those rare smiles that happen when others aren't expecting to flex those fantastic facial muscles. It gives me a great amount of pride to count another person as someone who likes me. For all of my anti-conformist views, I still feel the need to be liked by others.

 I trust way too much. This is one of my biggest faults. It has taken it's toll on my life. There are situations that I would take back in my life. I thought I'd never have any regrets, but choosing the wrong friends is a lesson that I never wish I'd have had to learn first hand. I've had those I held close to me take my belongings, cheat with my women, and murder a family member. That final straw broke the poverbial camel's back so hard that I ended up going hermit for years. It suddenly became difficult to do anything in public, let alone make new friends. The stagnation eventually got to me, and I've poked my head out more frequently in time, but I still have a huge veil of screening that I hold in view while talking to everyone but my closest family.

 So, lo-and-behold, I came to become a blogger. There's the social interaction that I had been lacking for the longest time. Almost everyone, save for the rare troll and flamer, has been genuinely positive. This outlet gives me opportunity to flex my friending muscle without all of the risks that come with physical befriending. You are my best friend. I do not joke when I say that.

 Speaking of joking, I should include one in this dreary post. The clouds outside threaten rain and I've lost my last ten dollars, so it's going to take all I have to even figure out one joke. Original jokes are the only ones I like to tell. I'm reminded of many a comedian feud due to people creating the same punchlines, or sharing from each other. I think life can be so funny, that sometimes relatable comedy can cross lines of time and space. Really, I should wetten up this dry post. Let me get a wet rag, a bucket of KY jelly, and a stream of gleek, and we'll turn this motha around. Haha, just kidding. I have no jelly.

 I've hit a stalemate with some of my sought assistance. I don't believe that there is as much help for me as I initially believed. I am thankful for what is there, but the system was not designed for people like me. I don't even know anyone else like me, so how would they know to prepare for me?

 Hamster wheels and treadmills. Those come into my mind when I think of the word j-o-b. Before I end up getting hate comments from all of you that hold down a good nine-to-five gig, let me tell you that there are people of all types in this world. That includes the person who detests the ratrace so much that they withdraw from it, only to bring suffering and strife to their lives. That person is me, but it's not all suffering and strife. Every once in a while there are rays of light that come from the darkness to light the path I knew was there all along. We're all different, and not all of us have to have a job, career, or love of money. I have none of those right now, although I do have plans to go to college, it's got more to do with me doing what I love than the financial security that it brings.

 Financial security scares me. With a padded bank account, I wouldn't be as hungry. I wouldn't struggle to think of ways to accept certain aspects of being poor. I would be complacent. I would accept life as it comes, instead of meeting the wind head-on. Leeway is not what I require. I need to be uncomfortable. The fine line between uncomfortable and downright miserable is what drives me to make this seemingly useless statement of individuality.

 I've been keeping some stones in my pocket to help my dreams. I'm one of those that believe that dreams can help understand real life. This is a small portion of my last dream:

 I'm standing in the middle of a yard in the suburbs. The sky is lightly spotted with fluffy clouds. Their wispy whiteness poofing out of the blue background. I feel a warmth come from my chest. This sensation is very familiar, although I don't remember ever having it before. In a few hearbeats, I figure out that this is the secret to flying. The warmth and tingling I feel eminating from within my chest is belief. A belief that encompasses my whole soul to the point of raising me from the earth's crust. As I ascend, I become very excited and tell myself aloud,

 "This is a dream. I am flying in a dream."

 With the utmost certainty, that thought is struck down with a belief that this IS reality, not a dream state. I fly upward, taking in the rushing air to my flared nostrils.

 Was it a dream, or is the dream life a reality that we come back to every night?

 The answer is right, no matter which one it is.

 I'm off to find that ten dollars and hopefully have a night that helps my mood. I hope you all have a great weekend.

 Peace, friends.

Edit: Had to brighten this one up a bit.


  1. Hey Shock, I hope you do have a nice night and find that ten bucks. Be strong, it is the hard stuff in life that makes us great...a movie quote I just heard and now cannot remember where (sorry): "it will all be allright in the end. If it is not allright, it is not the end".

    1. I think that's from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - I've only seen the trailer but that quote stood out in my mind! It's fun to see you using it here.

  2. I'm not exactly sure what it was that turned me off of people, but thankfully I never experienced anything like you did. It's a real damn shame things like that happened to you. I can understand where you're coming from with not wanting financial security so much but I feel I've been poor long enough. I handle the little money I do have well, and I think if I did have a bit more financial security, I wouldn't act much differently. What that actually means is that I'll probably have financial security at an earlier point than others. Good luck finding your ten dollars, and some other money, but maybe at the least consider a temporary, or part time job.

    PS I missed you too.

  3. It might keep you hungry, but I'm less sure it's keeping you sane. Keep up the good fight, and see a psyc.(as in ologist) as your head doesn't appear to be screwed on tight!

  4. Nice to hear from you again. Often see your blog on my blog-list and wonder how you're doing. Hope you have a great night and that things sort out whichever way you want them to.

    I have a hard time letting friends in too - but I'm having a blast in this blogging world and meeting such nice people. It's just been great!

  5. Wow, that's some pretty rough shit to go through. I'm speechless.

    You come across as pretty okay though. I think you're nice. Anyway, I love your writing style. Keep up the good work and have a nice Friday.

    P.S. Have you ever considered trying making friends in real life again? Or is that just too far from where you are now?

  6. TRUST me, there was a situation that turned me off of people completely too, and hermit I pretty much went for a while. But then came the blog and out I came once more back to my ways. Trust is a fickle thing, having been screwed over a time or two it takes me a while to do it now. And yeah financial security would be nice, but sadly that may never come, but who knows keep working and it very well could.

  7. i can't blame you for going hermit after all that

  8. I don't mind working, but I don't like "jobs" and by jobs I mean work that feels like I'm in a hamster wheel and every day will be the same as the last or that make me feel like I am living for the weekend.

  9. I haven't got anything i can say to make you feel better. Just wanted you to know I'm still reading, still listening.

  10. Looks like you're going through a lot of crap right now. I hope things improve soon. :(

  11. Aww poop.
    Remember though, trusting others easily is not a fault, it's actually a positive. It's lovely to see the good things in people, it's just shitty when they go and prove you wrong because they're silly poop heads.

    Hope everything turns around for you soon!

  12. heh im in so much debt that i dont even care anymore :)

  13. I always thought it would be super cool to be an airline pilot maybe one day...

  14. 'Ey bruddah! Good to see that life isn't at least hammering you into the dirt, y'knowwhatImean?

    Frenemies. God, I hate that word. I hate the very meaning of the word. For me, there are friends and there are enemies - I have clear cut definitions for those and "lover" as well. Anyone can be a potential any of these three, or simply part of the grey matter that is the populace of the world, the other bit players and stage hands I haven't met and befriended yet, thus elevating them to key actor.

    I think there's a disorder that explains that very same scenario, but meh - the same experts also believe that bologna and hot dogs give you cancer. Then three years later they'll reverse their stance. Then three years later they'll reverse it AGAIN.

    And pfffft, it DOES take all types, my brotha. There's a place for people who do part-time work, full-time work, or the odd jobs type like yourself. So long as you're happy, it's about the destination - you're not wasting time at all right now, everything you do is leading up to something that is specific towards you and you alone. Perhaps it'll be great and world-changing, perhaps it'll be small and incredibly personal but it IS for you.

    Finding it is part of life, yah?

    I may be wrong, but I think I'm right on this. Besides, you DO have a goal - go to college. And you're going about it too, yer own way.

    That alone is commendable since most people simply let their desires and dreams fall to the wayside while going about the business of being a drone.

    "Get a job, get married, have kids, acquire possessions, die."

    That's not a life, that's a microwave instruction manual.

  15. I completely understand your aversion to ratrace work. Here's the thing though: having enough money to live does not have to mean having a nine-to-five job. But knowing that you won't go hungry frees up so much of your mind so that you can create and build and imagine. There are other ways to make money...I'm sure that you'll figure out what works for you.